SLAM PH All-Star Picks: #PettyWarz All-Stars

The NBA is changing up how All-Star Teams will be selected this year. Instead of the usual East versus West match-up, the two top vote-getters from each conference will be named Team Captains. These Team Captains will then be able to select players on their team, regardless of conference.

Because of that new wrinkle, the possibilities are now limitless! That’s why at SLAM PH, we decided to make the All-Star Teams as crazy as possible. No one knows whats going to happen when the teams are announced, so here are some fun options to think about. Who knows, we might actually see some of these teams this year.

What does it mean to be petty in the NBA these days? It means watching an Instagram video of a furious ex-teammate foaming at the mouth during a timeout—and liking it for the whole Instagram world to see.

It means sarcastically waving goodbye to an opponent and telling him to “go home” after taking the L. It means posting a smirk emoji after your former team is eliminated from the playoffs. It means wearing an Ultimate Warrior shirt to celebrate a Game 7 victory versus the Golden State Warriors.

The NBA has reached a new level of petty that they should make #PettyWarz (also as a tribute to the genius World Wide Wob) the main attraction at the All-Star Game. Just 48 minutes of pure pettiness. Embiid vs Whiteside. Durant vs Westbrook. Draymond vs everybody. Kyrie vs LeBron.

Here are the starting lineups:

TEAM KYRIE

Philadelphia 76ers v Boston Celtics

Kyrie Irving

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? Would you ever like an Instagram video of your ex having a meltdown in front of the new significant other? Kyrie did, sort of. That’s petty.

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: During a huddle of Team LeBron (where LeBron screams at Damian Lillard for his poor defense), Kyrie sneaks in and mocks The King’s sermon.

Enes Kanter

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? For crowning a referee, who had just given LeBron James the first ejection of his career, the “king of Cleveland” on Twitter.

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: He live-tweets the game while on the bench.

Hassan Whiteside

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? Because of this burn disguised as a tweet to Joel Embiid: “31 games in 3 years. Hopefully I get to see you regular season. #SolarEclipse #Embiid Eclipse”

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: After dunking on Embiid, he shouts “barbeque chicken!” and calls for the stretcher to carry Embiid off the court.

San Antonio Spurs v Golden State Warriors

Draymond Green

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? After the Warriors defeated the Cavs, 4-1, in the 2017 Finals, Green wore a shirt that said “Quickie” with a stylized Q identical to the Cavs’ arena logo. “We got them out here quick with the trophy. Quickie,” Green later explained.

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: He plays the whole 48 minutes as himself. That ought to be enough.

Kevin Durant

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? Because, in one of the most wonderful gifts from the basketball gods, he discovered the joys of Twitter. And, as an added bonus, burner accounts.

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: How could KD shut the haters up? Putting on a cap with a championship ring-flavored cupcake isn’t enough. He flat out wears his championship ring during the All-Star Game. And kisses it every chance he gets.

TEAM LEBRON

Cleveland Cavaliers v Houston Rockets

LeBron James

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? In response to Green’s “Quickie” gimmick, he posted an Instagram photo of Green wearing the shirt, with the caption: “That’s what she said, HUH?!?!”

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: With his team down 30 points thanks to The Kyrie Show, LeBron completely disappears and takes, like, two shots in the fourth quarter. It’s Game 5 of Celtics-Cavs all over again. His stat line after the game: 15 points, 7 assists, and 5 passive-aggressive moments.

James Harden

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? He “liked” the aforementioned LeBron Instagram post. Also, there’s the thing he did to the Sixers where he dropped 51 points simply because Kevin Hart was talking trash to him at courtside.

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: Jab step, jab step, dribble, Euro step, fish for a foul, free throws—all these while looking straight in the eyes of Kevin Hart (All Star Celebrity Game MVP).

Damian Lillard

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? After a meaningless layup by Chris Paul in a Rockets win, Lillard confronted CP3 to ask him, “What did you get out of that?” He also tried to swipe the ball away from the Rockets point guard. He failed.

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: During an in-game interview, Dame takes the mic and raps a verse from his new diss song for CP3. It will be his “Ether.”

Joel Embiid

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? If LeBron is the King of Petty, then Embiid is the Social Media Manager of Petty. He trolled Willie Reed, Karl Anthony-Towns, Lonzo Ball, Whiteside, and Durant, among others, with his clever use of hashtags and—like a true pro—geotags.

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: He live-tweets the game while on the court.

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Russell Westbrook

Why is he a #PettyWarz All-Star? Where do we even start? When Kevin Durant announced his move to the dark side, he posted an Instagram photo of cupcakes (Guess what Thunder teammates call players acting soft? Yup, “cupcake.”) For the first Thunder-Warriors game, he wore a photographer’s vest (Durant’s lists photography as a hobby). Westbrook is the league leader in pettiness.

All-Star Game Petty Highlight: Westbrook ditches the photographer’s vest and plays in a goddamn cupcake suit. KD gets dunked on by an actual cupcake. KD dunks on an actual cupcake. KD talks trash with an actual cupcake. KD gets shit from an actual cupcake. Everybody wins. And that’s what the All-Star Game should be all about.

Photos from Getty Images